Dear Connie,
I've noticed that you have yet to accept my friend request on Facebook. I know that you probably have some fears about adding a co-worker on the site, but rest assured, I will be completely professional about it. I do think it might be a good idea for us to connect online though so we can share our thoughts, our fears, our sexual fantasies and more. What are some of your sexual fantasies? I have this recurring dream where I'm running through a field of your hair and I'm naked and then my roommate shows up and he's also naked and it gets really confusing, but you know how dreams are where nothing really makes sense but you still go with it? Well, somehow me and him suddenly have a baby and then it grows up and it's you. Then the next thing you know me and you are married and we have children of our own and one of them is my roommate, who I end up living with after you and me get a divorce cause the state of Georgia won't allow a father to marry his daughter.
So, accept my friend request.
Srsly,
Dan
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Hello Mother
Hey mom,
I saw this commercial and thought of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7oMY6sC7wQ
Srsly,
Dan
I saw this commercial and thought of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7oMY6sC7wQ
Srsly,
Dan
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
From within the walls of a Fulton County holding cell
Dear Manufacturers of Four Loko,
What the hell?
Srsly,
Dan
What the hell?
Srsly,
Dan
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Your dog
Dear Vanessa,
I hope this email finds you well. While you were at work today, your dog started barking and it really pissed me off. I like to think I am a patient man, but it was a stressful day at work and there was a lot of traffic on the way home. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I had to use your computer to look up internet pornography. I trust that you'll not remove my bookmarks. Thanks for your consideration.
Srsly,
Dan
I hope this email finds you well. While you were at work today, your dog started barking and it really pissed me off. I like to think I am a patient man, but it was a stressful day at work and there was a lot of traffic on the way home. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I had to use your computer to look up internet pornography. I trust that you'll not remove my bookmarks. Thanks for your consideration.
Srsly,
Dan
RE: RE: I've been watching you...
Connie,
I was staring at you all day, I was just observing your daily behavior and actions for a couple hours. You should take it as a complement. And it's not like I watch you while you're in the bathroom. I've come to learn that is inappropriate with co-workers. Please be mindful that despite the unattractive tone of your response that I am still interested in dating and/or sleeping with you. When it comes to the bedroom, I am disease free and have a lot of experience from personal practice. I think we would be a good fit. Plus, I live close to you. We could carpool to work. Let's take this relationship to the next level and start the process of our eternal happiness.
Srsly,
Dan
I was staring at you all day, I was just observing your daily behavior and actions for a couple hours. You should take it as a complement. And it's not like I watch you while you're in the bathroom. I've come to learn that is inappropriate with co-workers. Please be mindful that despite the unattractive tone of your response that I am still interested in dating and/or sleeping with you. When it comes to the bedroom, I am disease free and have a lot of experience from personal practice. I think we would be a good fit. Plus, I live close to you. We could carpool to work. Let's take this relationship to the next level and start the process of our eternal happiness.
Srsly,
Dan
I was watching you...
Hey Connie,
I was watching you type up that testing doc and noticed that everytime you need to copy and paste you click the Edit menu bar then Copy and the same for Paste. You can actually use the keyboard short cuts Control+C and Control+V. The V stands for paste. Probably for your Very sexy fingers.
If you'd like maybe we could continue this conversation over dinner.
Srsly,
Dan
I was watching you type up that testing doc and noticed that everytime you need to copy and paste you click the Edit menu bar then Copy and the same for Paste. You can actually use the keyboard short cuts Control+C and Control+V. The V stands for paste. Probably for your Very sexy fingers.
If you'd like maybe we could continue this conversation over dinner.
Srsly,
Dan
RE: Company Dress Code Policy
Dear Boss,
I will not be abiding by the dress code you've so eloquently informed me of. I am an advocate of casual Fridays and will fight to see that my rights and the rights of my coworkers are preserved. Hence, next Friday I plan on wearing a fishnet tank top, a speedo and my Kiss Army slippers. Additionally, I plan to grow a full beard and moustache out over the next week and then shave it into a fu manchu right before our big meeting with the new customer. Please know that I'm not acting out to be an unnecessary pain, but rather to prove a point and serve as an example for how our company should be run. I'll also be wearing ladies panties and a bra, but they won't be visible. I just wanted you to know. ;-)
Srsly,
Dan
I will not be abiding by the dress code you've so eloquently informed me of. I am an advocate of casual Fridays and will fight to see that my rights and the rights of my coworkers are preserved. Hence, next Friday I plan on wearing a fishnet tank top, a speedo and my Kiss Army slippers. Additionally, I plan to grow a full beard and moustache out over the next week and then shave it into a fu manchu right before our big meeting with the new customer. Please know that I'm not acting out to be an unnecessary pain, but rather to prove a point and serve as an example for how our company should be run. I'll also be wearing ladies panties and a bra, but they won't be visible. I just wanted you to know. ;-)
Srsly,
Dan
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