Story of my Life

I Finally Understand Pop Music

Dear coworkers on the first floor,

I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of refined taste but truth be told, I often eat fast food crap for lunch. Today was nearly no different, but I did decide to take a little walk on the wild side and try Thai food.

For those of you who don't know, I love spicy food, but 'Thai Spicy' takes it to a whole other level. There are things going on inside of me. Evil things. Things that would make you cry if you saw them. Things that would make you hurl if you smelled them. Which is what brings me to my point...

I'd like to issue a formal evacuation of the entire first floor. I can't be certain of what is about to happen, but surges of pain and sweat have been leading up to it. In the end, there is no telling how many will survive, but at least I finally understand Ke$ha's lyrics and they are nothing if not poetic towards this situation.

This place about to blow.

Srsly,
Dan

Missed Connection

Dear Hopeful Craigslist Female Reader,

I saw you last night at the club. We made eye contact for a while, then you danced for me. I smiled at you, and you at I. We shared a moment of ocular passion. Then you positioned your hand down your leg, lifted up on your garter belt and I embraced your soft leg with a crisp one dollar bill. You glanced at the currency, have me a smirk and then tended to the lively gentleman with the cowboy hat and 20s.

I think we were meant to be together. I asked the bouncer for your phone number, but clearly the Cheetah management does not appreciate the desire in our kindred hearts.

But love conquers all obstacles.
Call me.
Srsly,
Dan

New Job

Dear My Old Boss,
I'll have you know I've got a new job now. As I will no longer be of your employ, your sexual advances are now not only allowed but also encouraged. Wink.
Srsly,
Dan

New Friend Request

Dear Connie,

I've noticed that you have yet to accept my friend request on Facebook. I know that you probably have some fears about adding a co-worker on the site, but rest assured, I will be completely professional about it. I do think it might be a good idea for us to connect online though so we can share our thoughts, our fears, our sexual fantasies and more. What are some of your sexual fantasies? I have this recurring dream where I'm running through a field of your hair and I'm naked and then my roommate shows up and he's also naked and it gets really confusing, but you know how dreams are where nothing really makes sense but you still go with it? Well, somehow me and him suddenly have a baby and then it grows up and it's you. Then the next thing you know me and you are married and we have children of our own and one of them is my roommate, who I end up living with after you and me get a divorce cause the state of Georgia won't allow a father to marry his daughter.

So, accept my friend request.

Srsly,
Dan

Hello Mother

Hey mom,

I saw this commercial and thought of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7oMY6sC7wQ

Srsly,
Dan

From within the walls of a Fulton County holding cell

Dear Manufacturers of Four Loko,

What the hell?

Srsly,
Dan