I Finally Understand Pop Music

Dear coworkers on the first floor,

I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of refined taste but truth be told, I often eat fast food crap for lunch. Today was nearly no different, but I did decide to take a little walk on the wild side and try Thai food.

For those of you who don't know, I love spicy food, but 'Thai Spicy' takes it to a whole other level. There are things going on inside of me. Evil things. Things that would make you cry if you saw them. Things that would make you hurl if you smelled them. Which is what brings me to my point...

I'd like to issue a formal evacuation of the entire first floor. I can't be certain of what is about to happen, but surges of pain and sweat have been leading up to it. In the end, there is no telling how many will survive, but at least I finally understand Ke$ha's lyrics and they are nothing if not poetic towards this situation.

This place about to blow.

Srsly,
Dan

Missed Connection

Dear Hopeful Craigslist Female Reader,

I saw you last night at the club. We made eye contact for a while, then you danced for me. I smiled at you, and you at I. We shared a moment of ocular passion. Then you positioned your hand down your leg, lifted up on your garter belt and I embraced your soft leg with a crisp one dollar bill. You glanced at the currency, have me a smirk and then tended to the lively gentleman with the cowboy hat and 20s.

I think we were meant to be together. I asked the bouncer for your phone number, but clearly the Cheetah management does not appreciate the desire in our kindred hearts.

But love conquers all obstacles.
Call me.
Srsly,
Dan

New Job

Dear My Old Boss,
I'll have you know I've got a new job now. As I will no longer be of your employ, your sexual advances are now not only allowed but also encouraged. Wink.
Srsly,
Dan